So I've been doing a bit of drawing yesterday and today whilst I try to think of what to do with this blog.

Had a wee go at drawing some of the final fantasy boys.

I think I'm getting much better

Design was never my strong point

So I decided to at least try and make this blog a pleasant thing to look at... I'm working on it so please bear with me. This will not be the final look but the last blog I did (long since deleted) took me ages to design cos I couldn't draw as well as I can now (not that I can draw well but...) and I got myself so bogged down in the CSS because I'm a damned perfectionist. This is at least a bit better than just a plain old title and stuff. The title is not permanent either cos I don't know what to call this yet... but the picture will probably stay or I'll draw a better one later... anyway I'm rambling crap so ...

xX:ATOU:Xx

Non-Fiction Head Dump...

My head's a mess today. I feel a sadness that I haven't felt in such a long time.

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I don't even know why I'm posting this, to be honest, but it's not like anyone's reading this shit, or knows who the fuck I am anyway so what have I got to lose?

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Have you ever felt like you're heart was going to burst because you can feel a pain that can't be described?  I'm such an angsty bitch!

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So I read fanfiction right, and I try sometimes to write some fanfiction too but I'm pretty rubbish... I can't sustain anything for any length of time.  Well a couple of days ago, I happened across a particular fanfiction that's still a work in progress, and it's so terribly sad and moving and beautiful that I can't bear to wait another day to read more of it.  But there is no more, and there has been no more for over a year now.  Being an eternal pessimist, I fear there will be no more ever again and I don't know if I can take it. 

And because I feel that way, I start thinking like I'm not normal.  Normal people don't invest all of themselves into a piece of writing, do they? I mean it's fiction, it's not real... 

I feel the same when I hear beautiful pieces of music, some of the music is so sad that I think I get overwhelmed thinking of the pain in the heart of whoever wrote it to make it so haunting.  Do normal people think like that?

I was doing well until today.  I will do well again, but for now, I am afraid I am going to be wallowing.  I'll just have to wallow.  I will be working tonight and I will forget all about it.

And yes, I know I'm melodramatic, but I also know I am ok. I have these feelings, and they come and go.  I will feel better later. 

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My thoughts are incoherent at best.

xX:ATOU:Xx

Some - probably very bad - Dialogue.

It just pops into my head, ok... usually when I don't have a notebook on me.
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"Why do you do this to yourself, huh? What's going on in that pretty little head of yours?"

"I do it cos... cos I need to know I'm still alive. Cos it sure as shit don't feel like it."
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"Sometimes I feel like I'm a superhero, like I'm invincible, like I can do anything. I feel like I am adored by everyone...and then you walk into the room and I realise... it's not me, it's you. You are the one thing in this world, this beautiful, twisted fuckin' world that's holding me together. It's always been you...and it always will be. I do not exist when you are not here."
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"I've never been very articulate and I've never really needed to be because everyone loves the strong, silent type. But right now my heart is bursting with so many words and my head doesn't know how to deal with it."
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/headdump

xX:ATOU:Xx